05 May 2018

I'm Tired

It has been incredibly long since I last posted. At that time, our oldest Aspie son is finishing his 3rd year of college....our middle Aspie son is finishing his 3rd year of high school and our youngest son is finishing 5th grade. My husband is working 40 hours a week, yet is on call every other week. He sometimes works as many as 60 hours in the span of a week. I am working 2 "part-time" jobs that I love! Unfortunately, neither of them are truly "part-time" and I end up working between 56-63 hours every week. On top of that, my mother has recently been stricken with an illness that has demanded much of our time over the last 3 months. We are over-whelmed, over-worked, our energy is over-taxed.... I say this not as a cry for sympathy, but so that I may name it for what it is and stop blaming myself for things over which I have no control. I started this blog as a personal journal...a way to deal with the ever-present reality of raising children with Autism. Some found my writings helpful and so I opened it up to share our journey. I have always TRIED to keep my posts as positive as I can....but the truth is that raising special kids is HARD! There are days that we are NOT at our best....days when we are exhausted by a constant presence and pressure that others CAN NOT understand. Lots of people say, "I understand how hard it can be...."-but they don't! They don't know what it is like for your child to barely pass when he had to work 10 times harder just to get that D. They post pictures and accolades of their children who achieved amazing grades...yet never truly had to work for them. They post pictures of their children winning awards that our children would never even conceive possible. Where is my sons award? He worked harder just to finish the race. They post pictures of their vacations to Disney World...or Mexico. We can't go on vacations because any and all extra money we earn HAS TO go to helping our boys....especially since insurance is no longer paying for any therapy for our middle son. (He was making A's with his shadow. Now he can barely pass. It is the difference between his becoming a functioning member of society and becoming a "burden" on society for the rest of his life. All made by the flippant decision of someone who has never dealt with this lifestyle...someone who's only purpose is to make more money for his insurance company. To that official....you have murdered my son...you have murdered the person he could have become if you were not so selfish....if you cared more for the person rather than the dollar signs.)
Sorry.....went off an a tangent there. Anyway...
I hope to start writing again....if for no other reason, than for my own sanity. In truth, I do not know how positive these postings will be for a while. I have a lot of emotions to work through, emotions that have been locked away....in a box...in a drawer.....in a closet...in a basement.....behind a locked door....in an empty house.....waiting for a chance to be dealt with. These posts are not really meant for someone else to read....I am SURE they will not HELP anyone in the least. I just need to shout it out into the universe SOMEHOW and I have no other avenue to express them. I'm tired and I need rest....

26 October 2014


You know....as parents...there are some things we just take for granted. Things like
      kids tying their own shoes...
      kids telling you what they need...
      kids being able to cut their own food...

Our middle Aspie child has some very definite deficiencies. He couldn't tie his own shoes until he was in fifth grade.....he still has trouble telling us what he needs....and his table manners have always left something to be desired.

But you know...it is the little things that make all the difference.

Last night, I witnessed him CUTTING A WAFFLE. I don't mean "creatively tearing it apart" or even "chompoing on it"....but systematically cutting the parts of the waffle into managable bite-sized pieces.

Laugh if you must.....but....

...it brought tears of joy to my eyes!

It truly IS the little things that make all the difference.

25 September 2014


There was a recent study released that spoke about the multiple synapses in the brains of children on the Autism Spectrum. It seems that most children, as they grow, will shluff off unused synapses that form as the brain forms. There is a particular protein that ensures that these unused synapses fall away. But, the brains of children on the spectrum do not contain the protein that enables these unused synapses to disintegrate.

As soon as I heard this, I thought back to a 2007 study from UCLA that connected children on the Autism spectrum to chromosome 17. The study stated that it caused a problem with protein absorption in the cell...but that they could not determine if the chromosome abnormality was allowing too much protein into the cells or not enough.

The two studies above, and their apparent link, seem very interesting to me.

They remind me of a time when our middle Aspie son would, while trying to complete homework, hit his head over and over saying, "I know that the right answer is in there...it just takes the wrong path." Well son, you were right. I guess it just took the wrong synapses.

My husband and I have always said that if anyone really, fully understands Autism or Asperger's...it would be someone already on the spectrum themselves. We were right.