It has been incredibly long since I last posted. At that time, our oldest Aspie son is finishing his 3rd year of college....our middle Aspie son is finishing his 3rd year of high school and our youngest son is finishing 5th grade. My husband is working 40 hours a week, yet is on call every other week. He sometimes works as many as 60 hours in the span of a week. I am working 2 "part-time" jobs that I love! Unfortunately, neither of them are truly "part-time" and I end up working between 56-63 hours every week. On top of that, my mother has recently been stricken with an illness that has demanded much of our time over the last 3 months. We are over-whelmed, over-worked, our energy is over-taxed.... I say this not as a cry for sympathy, but so that I may name it for what it is and stop blaming myself for things over which I have no control. I started this blog as a personal journal...a way to deal with the ever-present reality of raising children with Autism. Some found my writings helpful and so I opened it up to share our journey. I have always TRIED to keep my posts as positive as I can....but the truth is that raising special kids is HARD! There are days that we are NOT at our best....days when we are exhausted by a constant presence and pressure that others CAN NOT understand. Lots of people say, "I understand how hard it can be...."-but they don't! They don't know what it is like for your child to barely pass when he had to work 10 times harder just to get that D. They post pictures and accolades of their children who achieved amazing grades...yet never truly had to work for them. They post pictures of their children winning awards that our children would never even conceive possible. Where is my sons award? He worked harder just to finish the race. They post pictures of their vacations to Disney World...or Mexico. We can't go on vacations because any and all extra money we earn HAS TO go to helping our boys....especially since insurance is no longer paying for any therapy for our middle son. (He was making A's with his shadow. Now he can barely pass. It is the difference between his becoming a functioning member of society and becoming a "burden" on society for the rest of his life. All made by the flippant decision of someone who has never dealt with this lifestyle...someone who's only purpose is to make more money for his insurance company. To that official....you have murdered my son...you have murdered the person he could have become if you were not so selfish....if you cared more for the person rather than the dollar signs.)
Sorry.....went off an a tangent there. Anyway...
I hope to start writing again....if for no other reason, than for my own sanity. In truth, I do not know how positive these postings will be for a while. I have a lot of emotions to work through, emotions that have been locked away....in a box...in a drawer.....in a closet...in a basement.....behind a locked door....in an empty house.....waiting for a chance to be dealt with. These posts are not really meant for someone else to read....I am SURE they will not HELP anyone in the least. I just need to shout it out into the universe SOMEHOW and I have no other avenue to express them. I'm tired and I need rest....
I hear you. My boys generally get Ds and Es. I'm so overjoyed if they get a C. It's very hard for me 'cos I was a straight A person at school. I loved books and I have so many and yet my kids aren't interested in reading any.
ReplyDeleteA few years back, we had a spate of deaths in the family. My wife's family suffered considerable and unexpected losses. We learned from that. We changed.
Work is no longer as important as family time. Grades are no longer an issue. The kids will get by. They won't have degrees but they'll know how to earn money. That's enough.
Other people aren't there for you to compare yourself to. There will always be someone richer, wiser, happier etc... than you ... but there will always be people in worse positions too.
You're in control of your life. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way .. but you are. Choose a life that suits what you need. Sometimes a holiday is better than therapy. Sometimes a holiday IS therapy -- or education -- or both.
best of luck.