Things I Need to Let Go

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to take an inventory of things that I need to let go. Some may be funny, some may seem strange, some really hurt to admit. Here it goes:

1. SHOES ON THE CORRECT FEET - My middle Aspie son loves to wear his shoes on the opposite feet.  "Let it go......" He feels more comfortable that way.

2. CLOTHES MAKING IT INTO THE HAMPER - Going into either of my Aspie sons' bedrooms is like walking into a destruction area. I sometimes feel I heed a hardhat and steel-toed boots. One Aspie aspect my sons did not receive is an overappreciation for neatness. I wish.  "Let it go......" Our house will never be photographed for a magazine so let them live.

3.  HANDWRITING - Both of my Aspie sons are dysgraphic. REALLY DYSGRAPHIC. "Let it go...." I want them focusing on the subject at hand and not necessarily their penmanship. They can type.

4. POSTURE - My 2 Aspie sons do not have very good posture. For myself, this is difficult as I grew up being expected to have good posture all the time. "Let it go....." Our physical therapist recently tested our middle Aspie son and found that his brain was working at a higher lever when he was slouching.

5. DREAMS - Every young mother has special dreams for her children. My dreams need to be adjusted to take into consideration my sons differences. "Let it go......" It is not my dreams that are important....it is theirs.

6. PERFECTIONS - I didn't ever really think my sons were perfect....but in that special place in a mother's heart, they are perfectly made for me and for God's purpose through them here on earth. "Let it go....." God will work through them....I need to get out of His way.

7. HURTFUL STARES & WORDS - This is a tough one. No mother wants to witness their child(ren) being mistreated. I am not sure I can accomplish this one. Sometimes I feel so much RAGE about how my children have been treated....yet, as much as possible, I keep it inside as I know that if I speak my mind...it will only be worse for them. But, I give those who enjoy inflicting pain or who are just ignorant, power over me and my emotions by letting them affect me. "Let it go....." What kind of example am I setting for my Aspie sons, and even those who are not sensitive to their differences, if I am not able to control my own frustration.

8. GUILT - You will see this listed twice. The first kind of guilt I need to let go is that of a mother who CAN NOT "get it right" all of the time. No mater how hard I try, at some point my Aspie sons will need something that I can not give them. I physically hurt when I can not give them what they need....or even worse, when I don't even know what they need. "Let it go...." God entrusted these beautiful boys to me for a reason. He will give me what I need for them. If not, He will put those people who can give them what they need in their paths.

9. GUILT - This guilt deals with the nonsensical, yet human, want to find a reason WHY my sons have Asperger's. Just about everything that I have read tells me that I did not do anything to make them have this disorder... Yet, I sometimes think I would actually feel better if I COULD find a way to blame myself. At least I would know a REASON! "Let it go..." That is neither here nor there. We can only move forward from this point.

10. MY EXPECTATIONS FOR THEIR FUTURE - As a mother has a "perfect" dream for a new child...so does she have expectations about that child's future. "Let it go...." My Aspie sons futures will be what they make them out to be. Those futures may not look like what I wanted for them....but they are not MY futures to begin with.

Of course, I also need to let go of the expectation that I can write about letting these stresses go and be done with it. Naming them was a big step. Letting go will be a daily process...a daily challenge to do the best I can for my sons. It is a choice....and it can be difficult. But with it will come freedom.